Doorway

The men are here installing doors. Is it too much to hope that the little guy will sleep through the racket? Yup. Poor little guy had a hard morning with mommy. Missed a half dose of the sky blue pills, and was frightfully cross with him. Then we went outside, and he hates to wear his hat and mittens. He cried. I fretted.

This afternoon... I don't know what. Weather is predicted. But too much to hope for.

I am a compulsive shopper and I like birds.

Snow

Snow fell last night. I feel like it was falling inside my head too. Very irritable. Chocolate yoghurt making me feel better. Stoneyfield farm. Yum.

I want peace of mind. More than anything. Where does it come from? From sleep, time to reflect, walks outside, yoga, my endless lists. Of those things, I have only my lists, deployed ruthlessly in the hope that they will function as nets and snare the bats fweeping about in my mind.

Oh, what the hell am I griping about? I have it so good. I don't live in a poor, war-torn country, for starters. So many people in the world have their own thorns turned outwards, to fend off others' outward-turned thorns. My thorns are turned inwards. Bullshit. These things are not reciprocal. My thorns are so little and fragile compared to hunger, war, tyranny, and disease.

It snowed and is beautiful, but I have no time for it.

Wrong

I forgot the little blue pills today. Is that why I have lost my confidence? Does it come in a bottle? Why am I so afraid of being wrong?

In what way am I afraid of being wrong? Dammit, what I am trying to do is hard. Work out a compromise position. Is it impossible? Both sides think it is. What I am trying to do is hard. Of course I will be wrong.

Like that painter said, try to paint an ugly painting. TRY. Who cares? Just move the debate forward, even by being wrong.

Disoriented

I really need some time to sit and reflect. I have changed... I keep changing. My views on so many subjects are very different from what they once were. How did this happen? Is it good or bad? I do not know. I used to be so dogmatic. What is happening to me? Is it motherhood that has changed me? Getting my depression treated? Growing older? Am I better or worse?

I feel better.

Don't worry, it will all be okay.

Those people who don't like you now, weren't really your friends anyway. Just movement people.