Tempest

I screamed at him and hurt his feelings and made him cry. I didn't hold him for a while after that. I am too battered. I feel so bewildered and angry. How did I end up agreeing to take him tomorrow after this? I am so pissed. And then the whole "waiting for" thing. I can't even think straight. Let's write.

Blank

My mind is oddly blank. I got almost enough sleep last night. It is a cold day. I'd like to crawl back into bed.

I think I will.

Just call me... woman of action!

Really

I need to get a handle on the compulsive micro purchases. Really. Stop.

I need to get out of the house more.

I need to let go of regret.

I need to heal.

I need to exercise.

I need to close my eyes and sleep.

Is this therapeutic, making my journal public? Or am I censoring myself? Or over-dramatizing my ennui or angst or whatever? Or distorting? Or... not writing enough? Or not being spontaneous enough?

It will be all right. Things are, on the whole, better than ever. But I really need to get out of the house.

Now

I feel a little more in control. Got a diagnosis of manic-depression today--mild case of it. Seems to fit pretty well. Does seem to be setting in worse as I get older. But the impulse buying has stopped. For now.

If only I knew why I stop and why I heal and why I don't and why I bite the skin around my thumbnails until it bleeds. I'd like to be at peace once and for all. But I suppose it keeps me going, this need to heal. Otherwise, why would I even need to move?

I could rest.

Ah, rest.