Doorway

The men are here installing doors. Is it too much to hope that the little guy will sleep through the racket? Yup. Poor little guy had a hard morning with mommy. Missed a half dose of the sky blue pills, and was frightfully cross with him. Then we went outside, and he hates to wear his hat and mittens. He cried. I fretted.

This afternoon... I don't know what. Weather is predicted. But too much to hope for.

I am a compulsive shopper and I like birds.

Snow

Snow fell last night. I feel like it was falling inside my head too. Very irritable. Chocolate yoghurt making me feel better. Stoneyfield farm. Yum.

I want peace of mind. More than anything. Where does it come from? From sleep, time to reflect, walks outside, yoga, my endless lists. Of those things, I have only my lists, deployed ruthlessly in the hope that they will function as nets and snare the bats fweeping about in my mind.

Oh, what the hell am I griping about? I have it so good. I don't live in a poor, war-torn country, for starters. So many people in the world have their own thorns turned outwards, to fend off others' outward-turned thorns. My thorns are turned inwards. Bullshit. These things are not reciprocal. My thorns are so little and fragile compared to hunger, war, tyranny, and disease.

It snowed and is beautiful, but I have no time for it.

Wrong

I forgot the little blue pills today. Is that why I have lost my confidence? Does it come in a bottle? Why am I so afraid of being wrong?

In what way am I afraid of being wrong? Dammit, what I am trying to do is hard. Work out a compromise position. Is it impossible? Both sides think it is. What I am trying to do is hard. Of course I will be wrong.

Like that painter said, try to paint an ugly painting. TRY. Who cares? Just move the debate forward, even by being wrong.

Disoriented

I really need some time to sit and reflect. I have changed... I keep changing. My views on so many subjects are very different from what they once were. How did this happen? Is it good or bad? I do not know. I used to be so dogmatic. What is happening to me? Is it motherhood that has changed me? Getting my depression treated? Growing older? Am I better or worse?

I feel better.

Don't worry, it will all be okay.

Those people who don't like you now, weren't really your friends anyway. Just movement people.

Scattered

So I've been given 30 minutes to myself, spouse went with baby to the pet store. I figure I have 15 minutes left. What do I do with this precious time? I could lie down. Clean the house. Check out stuff online. Precious, precious time. What I really need to do is just sit. So why do I not do this?

A sense that I ought to be doing something. Why? Why? Why? I would like a little peace of mind, please.

Thanksgiving went well. We stayed home. It was cozy and quiet. Except for the baby racketing about everywhere.

I need some time off to prepare for my time off, so as to use it to best advantage.

Precious, precious 15 minutes. I will lie down. I will think.

Want

I want to clean the basement. I feel really frustrated because I cannot clean the basement. Really annoying. Either I'm with the baby, or have too many other things to do. Frustrating. I also want to work in the yard. Same problem.

Why do I have this strong need to clean the basement and work in the yard? It's not like I even see those places most of the time? Who knows? A desire to control... to be in command of my environment? Well, I *like* the yard work--it's good exercise and I love being out of doors. The basement I guess is a more practical concern... I need more storage space and to be able to find the things I have.

But both these things will have to wait a little longer. Just a little longer.

Oh, if only my husband was the sort of fellow who did yard work and cleaned basements. But he isn't, and so dearly do i love him...

Tired

I am so tired.

There is no money left in our clothing budget or our housewares budget, and it is only the second week of November.

I am so tired.

I have about 3 hours before I have to get the baby, and I don't know what to do. I think I should like down a bit.

I am so tired.

Which is odd, because I have been sleeping.

So tired.

I am.

so.

tired.

Mommy

Mommy is coming to visit today. Hooray!

But so much to do. And, again, all I want to do is go buy things. However, I will not. We must get that margin under control. I stop myself when about to chastise my husband for spending, for it is both of us, and especially me.

When restless, do something else. Now, for example, I should go downstairs and make up the guest bed. Clean the floors. Etc.

It's all too much. I really just want to curl up in a ball and sleep. I'm afraid when mom get's here I'm just going to pile chores on her--here mom take the baby while I zzzzzzzzzzzz

I skipped a couple days of little blue pills, hoping to give the libido a boost for husband's benefit. All that happened was I got cranky and felt ill and ate too much. Sigh.

Mommy

Periodically I am surprised by some of the roles I find myself playing as a mommy.

There are the expected ones... doctor, for example. And chef. And maid. And playmate.

I am also a

-snack bar (while nursing)
-chair (the lap part)
-ladder (just hold still mommy while I climb up your leg)
-bed (mommy's tummy is soft zzzzz)
-heat source (if chilly, pile into my lap)
-"on" switch (can't make the thing "go?" hand it to mommy)
-encyclopedia (answering the perpetual "Wha dat?")
-A paper towel (get entangled with some racoon poop in the sandbox? no problem, just dart over and wipe your hands on my pants. sigh).
-A CD player (a little off key, usually)
-a taxi (you're so HEAVY now...)
-wardrobe consultant
--umbrella (hunch over in a shower dashing from the car to the store, so the little guy doesn't get wet, and i do).

That's all for now.

Again

I'm doing it again. Stop.

Do something else.

Like what?

Organize the basement.

Hmmm... good plan. I'll... get right on that.

Really.

Now.

More

I can't seem to stop: today it was Hallowe'en costumes and some clothes for me... but I did put a lot of things back on the rack yesterday.

And we did "need" Hallowe'en customes, and I bought the minimum accoutrements for each...

And on and on. There is no end to it.

I want... something. I actually got sleep last night, and had the sexiest dreams, but no time in the morning to follow up on this with the dear spouse... grr.

And I am again being productive at work.

I can't wait until my mom gets here.

Why?

Am I so acquisitive these days? Some kind of nesting instinct? Is it the "high" of feeling that I have accomplished something when I imagine a "need" and then fulfill it? Simply by clicking a button? I think that may be it. And I must tell myself, there will be no end to it. There are always needs. I should focus for a while on needs that do not need money...

the problem is I think what I really need is sleep. and that is just not something that there is time for.

Big

MIL has sent my husband some new pants. In a very, very large size. For some reason, this has me quite irritated. But I do love her. It is just so sad. She has gone from one diet to another, and those having failed she is now into size acceptance, which is fine and dandy for people who are a tad plump, but she can hardly walk. And my husband certainly doesn't need size acceptance either, he needs to lose weight or he is going to DIE. And I don't know what I would do then.

But now he has a pair of pants he can wear until he does lose some weight. So for this and other gifts I will be grateful.

I hope they are too big for him. I am SO annoyed.

meet

I have to meet with my superiors/colleagues tomorrow. I find that I am afraid. I wonder if it will turn out that my fears are unfounded? It wouldn't be the first time this has happened.

It won't be the last.

Not being able to trust my own mental impressions and intuitions is very inhibiting, I find.

Maybe that's why I like animals so much... with them, I always know where I stand.

I am afraid. I am. Afraid.

Zoloft Case Won't Be Heard

The Supreme Court isn't going to hear the Zoloft case. So my sky blue pills will continue on the pricey side. That's okay. They saved my life (not literally, I was never particularly suicidal, just ... numb with sadness) and it is worth it.

I am afraid I am going to lose my job. I wasn't very productive for a few months there. It is so hard having a baby and working... so hard. And then the house on top of all of that. So, so hard. My husband doesn't do much around the house, that's okay, but still hard.

If I could, I would sleep. I would sleep and sleep and sleep. And then I would walk on a beach, just walk and walk and walk. And then I would read a book, a good book, just read and read and read. And then I would call friends, my friends who I never see or talk to, and then... on and on and on.

Things that bother me:

-I am spending too much money; I am too good at persuading myself we "need" things.
-My ex-husband doesn't like me, and he's right not to, I was horrible.
-I yelled at a colleague a couple years ago about something... I still feel badly about that.
-I live too far away from my mom.
-I have a bad relationship with my dad.
-The end of my friendship with J.
-All those sad sad images from Katrina, and now the earthquakes, and the tsunami... they won't go out of my head. I have neither time to volunteer nor cash to donate, I cannot do anything... so why can't I just let it go?
-Dead animals, especially wildlife, on the side of the road. Again, why can't I just let it go? Do I have to grieve for every one?
-I have disappointed my boss(es); one of whom is a good friend for whom I have a great deal of respect.

The last one at least I can do something about; it isn't too late to redeem myself.

Now, a harder list: Things that make me happy.

-We have a house!
-I did a great job choosing paint colors!
-Some day I will do ceramics again.
-I enjoy my job!
-I now, from having a child myself, have regained that part of my life that one loses... (because one doesn't remember being a newborn, a toddler, etc)... I know what it must have been like. So I have regained some positive impressions of my Dad, and of course am fonder of my Mom than ever.
-I am aging well, and my butt is in good shape (vanity, vanity)
-I have discovered the GTD method of productivity enhancement
-I enjoy my in-laws very much; it is dreadful not to.
-My spouse is splendid; my child is healthy and sweet and smart.
-I am at peace with my memories of my former love. Took long enough.

I have a great deal. I feel a bit better now.

Trying

I think I will start trying to keep a journal again. I've been unreflective of late. Too many loose ends, unfinished projects, a house full of things to be installed and repaired, lists and lists of projects. And I'm spending too much money on new projects without finishing the old ones.

So I will try the journal. We will see.