Mommy

Mommy is coming to visit today. Hooray!

But so much to do. And, again, all I want to do is go buy things. However, I will not. We must get that margin under control. I stop myself when about to chastise my husband for spending, for it is both of us, and especially me.

When restless, do something else. Now, for example, I should go downstairs and make up the guest bed. Clean the floors. Etc.

It's all too much. I really just want to curl up in a ball and sleep. I'm afraid when mom get's here I'm just going to pile chores on her--here mom take the baby while I zzzzzzzzzzzz

I skipped a couple days of little blue pills, hoping to give the libido a boost for husband's benefit. All that happened was I got cranky and felt ill and ate too much. Sigh.

Mommy

Periodically I am surprised by some of the roles I find myself playing as a mommy.

There are the expected ones... doctor, for example. And chef. And maid. And playmate.

I am also a

-snack bar (while nursing)
-chair (the lap part)
-ladder (just hold still mommy while I climb up your leg)
-bed (mommy's tummy is soft zzzzz)
-heat source (if chilly, pile into my lap)
-"on" switch (can't make the thing "go?" hand it to mommy)
-encyclopedia (answering the perpetual "Wha dat?")
-A paper towel (get entangled with some racoon poop in the sandbox? no problem, just dart over and wipe your hands on my pants. sigh).
-A CD player (a little off key, usually)
-a taxi (you're so HEAVY now...)
-wardrobe consultant
--umbrella (hunch over in a shower dashing from the car to the store, so the little guy doesn't get wet, and i do).

That's all for now.

Again

I'm doing it again. Stop.

Do something else.

Like what?

Organize the basement.

Hmmm... good plan. I'll... get right on that.

Really.

Now.

More

I can't seem to stop: today it was Hallowe'en costumes and some clothes for me... but I did put a lot of things back on the rack yesterday.

And we did "need" Hallowe'en customes, and I bought the minimum accoutrements for each...

And on and on. There is no end to it.

I want... something. I actually got sleep last night, and had the sexiest dreams, but no time in the morning to follow up on this with the dear spouse... grr.

And I am again being productive at work.

I can't wait until my mom gets here.

Why?

Am I so acquisitive these days? Some kind of nesting instinct? Is it the "high" of feeling that I have accomplished something when I imagine a "need" and then fulfill it? Simply by clicking a button? I think that may be it. And I must tell myself, there will be no end to it. There are always needs. I should focus for a while on needs that do not need money...

the problem is I think what I really need is sleep. and that is just not something that there is time for.

Big

MIL has sent my husband some new pants. In a very, very large size. For some reason, this has me quite irritated. But I do love her. It is just so sad. She has gone from one diet to another, and those having failed she is now into size acceptance, which is fine and dandy for people who are a tad plump, but she can hardly walk. And my husband certainly doesn't need size acceptance either, he needs to lose weight or he is going to DIE. And I don't know what I would do then.

But now he has a pair of pants he can wear until he does lose some weight. So for this and other gifts I will be grateful.

I hope they are too big for him. I am SO annoyed.

meet

I have to meet with my superiors/colleagues tomorrow. I find that I am afraid. I wonder if it will turn out that my fears are unfounded? It wouldn't be the first time this has happened.

It won't be the last.

Not being able to trust my own mental impressions and intuitions is very inhibiting, I find.

Maybe that's why I like animals so much... with them, I always know where I stand.

I am afraid. I am. Afraid.

Zoloft Case Won't Be Heard

The Supreme Court isn't going to hear the Zoloft case. So my sky blue pills will continue on the pricey side. That's okay. They saved my life (not literally, I was never particularly suicidal, just ... numb with sadness) and it is worth it.

I am afraid I am going to lose my job. I wasn't very productive for a few months there. It is so hard having a baby and working... so hard. And then the house on top of all of that. So, so hard. My husband doesn't do much around the house, that's okay, but still hard.

If I could, I would sleep. I would sleep and sleep and sleep. And then I would walk on a beach, just walk and walk and walk. And then I would read a book, a good book, just read and read and read. And then I would call friends, my friends who I never see or talk to, and then... on and on and on.

Things that bother me:

-I am spending too much money; I am too good at persuading myself we "need" things.
-My ex-husband doesn't like me, and he's right not to, I was horrible.
-I yelled at a colleague a couple years ago about something... I still feel badly about that.
-I live too far away from my mom.
-I have a bad relationship with my dad.
-The end of my friendship with J.
-All those sad sad images from Katrina, and now the earthquakes, and the tsunami... they won't go out of my head. I have neither time to volunteer nor cash to donate, I cannot do anything... so why can't I just let it go?
-Dead animals, especially wildlife, on the side of the road. Again, why can't I just let it go? Do I have to grieve for every one?
-I have disappointed my boss(es); one of whom is a good friend for whom I have a great deal of respect.

The last one at least I can do something about; it isn't too late to redeem myself.

Now, a harder list: Things that make me happy.

-We have a house!
-I did a great job choosing paint colors!
-Some day I will do ceramics again.
-I enjoy my job!
-I now, from having a child myself, have regained that part of my life that one loses... (because one doesn't remember being a newborn, a toddler, etc)... I know what it must have been like. So I have regained some positive impressions of my Dad, and of course am fonder of my Mom than ever.
-I am aging well, and my butt is in good shape (vanity, vanity)
-I have discovered the GTD method of productivity enhancement
-I enjoy my in-laws very much; it is dreadful not to.
-My spouse is splendid; my child is healthy and sweet and smart.
-I am at peace with my memories of my former love. Took long enough.

I have a great deal. I feel a bit better now.

Trying

I think I will start trying to keep a journal again. I've been unreflective of late. Too many loose ends, unfinished projects, a house full of things to be installed and repaired, lists and lists of projects. And I'm spending too much money on new projects without finishing the old ones.

So I will try the journal. We will see.